¿Muy importante?

USAToday.com headline: Illegal immigrant population declines

NYTimes.com headline: US Moves Against Top Mexican Drug Cartel

Well, you have to keep busy.

Sell what you do best

Reuters headline: Yahoo CFO says not opposed to search sale

FOXBusiness.com headline: Washington Post Profit Tumbles 77%

Has the Washington Post considered selling its newspaper?

Stands out

Miss Connecticut Outstanding Team, who had volunteered for Mothers Against Drunk Driving hosted a party resulting in 24 people being charged with underage drinking.

Source: AP

Getting it on

AP headline: Study of fossils shows prehistoric fish had sex

Just think about if you get fossilized one day, whatever you were doing will be preserved forever.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Wave of the future

ABCNews.com headline: Obama: US Economy Will Recover, Emerge Stronger Than Before

Bloomberg.com headline: Hearst May Sell or Close San Francisco Chronicle

Well, you can read about it on the Internet.

Pennies a day

The New York Stock Exchange wants to relax its rules so that it no longer has to drop stocks that go below $1 per share, for those of you who are wondering if your 401K will ever reach 401K.

Source: Forbes.com

Cell it

InformationWeek.com headline: Motorola Selling Off Good Technology

Maybe if they had sold the good technology to consumers, they wouldn't be in this position.

Every stimulus is like snow

Reuters headline: U.S. scientists build computer model for snowflakes

Has the stimulus package started already?

Better left unsaid

BBCNews.com headline: Drink a day increases cancer risk

Scientists, we had a deal. Keep some of this stuff to yourself.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Fix the glitch

News.com headline: Microsoft wants refund from some laid off workers

PCWorld.com headline: Microsoft Readies Vista Update

Hopefully, the update will fix the problem that accidentally overpays laid off employees.

Euro-out of money

A German man left 10,000 euros in a plastic bag in a service station, but there is no mention of him losing his glasses in the toilet, for those of you who like to look on the bright side.

Source: Reuters

Best place for him

AP: Former President George W. Bush visted a Dallas hardware store that had offered him a job.

If only they had offered the job before he ran for president.

Keep it to themselves

News.com headline: OMG! Did Google Earth find Atlantis?

If they did, they wouldn't tell us, now would they?

Hover with ideas

AP headline: 2 escape Athens prison by helicopter, for 2nd time

Have we considered putting in a ceiling?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Better get moving

NYTimes.com headline: Carrión’s White House Appointment Creates a Job Opportunity

Only 2,499,999 jobs more to create, Mr. Obama.

Don't drink the water

MercuryNews.com headline: Sewage leak into San Francisco Bay almost repaired

That's almost a relief.

Insult to insult

We Have Seen the Present and It Does Not Work (continued):

Banks that have received bailout money from the U.S. Government are charging unemployment benefit recipients money to access their unemployment benefits.

Safe and sound

AP headline: Study: 'Astonishing richness' in polar sea species

The polar sear must not have invested in the last year.

Who asked

ArsTechnica.com headline: Windows 7 boot animation customization will not be supported

Sorry, did someone care about this?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

No pay for Mickey

CBS12.com headline: 'Happiest Place on Earth' laying off workers

Well, Disney World is the "former happiest place" now.

Organic farm raised losses

MarketWatch.com headline: Whole Foods profit slides 17% as demand slows

What is the country coming to if you can't sell apples for $8 each?

Worse than Burris

InformationWeek.com headline: Forensic Science System In US Needs Overhaul

Are you telling the DL that the three different CSI shows on television right now are misleading the nation?

Get it right

AP headline: UBS to pay $780M, open secret Swiss bank records

This is the second time the DL has had to correct this week. It should be "formerly secret" records.

Worthless green

AP headline: Zimbabwe to pay soldiers, teachers in US dollars

Note to nations: If you're trying to head off inflation, you may want to try the Chinese yen.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Get your own words

AP headline: Drug gangs drive off cops, terrorize Mexican town

Sorry, drug gangs, but the word terrorist is reserved.

You're fired

AP headline: Trump casinos file for bankruptcy a third time

Don't worry, he quit before they fired him.

No wonder we don't all live in NYC

NYDailyNews.com headline: New York only to get hotter, rainier and more flood-prone, say scientists

They make it sound like such a great place to live now.

To eventually fail

MarketWatch.com headline: GM, Chrysler request up to $39 billion in loans

That's an investment the American people can count on.

Mousey

The DL Early Warning System (continued):

Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., is looking into ways to have more oversight on the Internet.

Source: FOXNews.com

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Pot and kettle are both black

AP headline: Illinois GOP leader calls on Sen. Burris to resign

Yes, because the GOP party in Illinois is so much less corrupt than the Democrats.

Pay attention

USAToday.com headline: Low oil prices are not translating into low gas prices

You'll notice we are not bailing out any oil companies.

Guilty of idiocy

We Have Seen the Present And It Does Not Work (continued):

A Florida man who is suing Wal-Mart after being attacked by a snake inside the store has returned to the store several times, saying their prices are better than elsewhere.

Source: FOXNews.com

No time to check

AP headline: Debris falling in Texas, possibly from satellites

Or its possibly a meteor that's going to kill us all, whatever.

The ones with black spots make chocolate milk

WQOW.com headline: Naming Cows May Produce More Milk

Just don't name the ones destined to be hamburgers, or we may never have any again.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Amazing times we live in

FOXNews.com headline: Obama Honors Lincoln, Makes Light of Commerce Secretary News

And he did it all in the same headline.

Perk up

Reuters headline: Starbucks plans instant coffee debut

For those of you upscale, instant coffee drinkers out there, this is good news.

Terminologies

MercuryNews.com headline: Study finds one-third of US kids take vitamins

Some call it a study, some call it a survey.

Seriously

WashingtonPost.com headline: CEO Reaches Out To New Investors To Save Sirius XM

Surely the federal government has saved less important things over the last few months.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Not really leaving

ChicagoTribune.com headline: Brett Favre says he'll retire from NFL ... again

You'd need to be taking performance enhancing drugs to keep you in New Jersey.

Not apt

USAToday.com headline: Ford's Theatre packs in the stars for reopening

Mr. President, this is not the place to compare yourself to Lincoln.

Consolation prize

LATimes.com headline: US defeats Mexico, 2-0

To prove that we're not soar winners, they can have Texas back.

Vacuum of policies

NYTimes.com headline: Debris Spews Into Space in Collision of Satellites

Can you swap insurance info in space?

A month later...

LATimes.com headline: Peanut-borne salmonella is subject of outrage in Congress

Just like with the bailout, Congress is on top of important things right away.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

They take good care of the info

Computerworld.com headline: FAA says info on 45000 workers stolen in data breach

See? Giving all your information up just to fly makes perfect sense.

Batty signal

ABCNews.com headline: Christian Bale's sister says he needs help

Hey, you'd be stressed, too, if you were Batman.

Working for peanuts

AP headline: Lab tests show possible salmonella at Texas plant

And yet, still no one is in jail for this.

Who else eats Mueslix?

AP headline: Pot activists rip Kellogg Co. for dropping Phelps

Be careful, Kellogg's: When they get the munchies, they tend to buy a lot of cereal.

C-C-C-CC-Cold

AP headline: A Maine event of 50 below excites scientists

Sometimes, we just don't get you, scientists.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Unhealthy juice

Reuters headline: Rodriguez admits to using banned substances

BBCNews.com headline: Marijuana testicular cancer link

Bad week to be a professional sports figure.

Post-it

Reuters headline: Obama orders 60-day cybersecurity review

Oh, no, the DL refuses to change the Yahoo Mail password every 60 days.

Figures

Forbes.com: "The federal bailout of General Motors and Chrysler, intended to help speed the restructuring of the ailing auto industry, might be doing just the opposite."

You mean giving billions of dollars to companies that couldn't run themselves without billions of dollars didn't help?

Using 140 characters or less

LATimes.com headline: Dalai Llama imposter escorted from Twitter

How do you escort someone from Twitter?

Fertile ground

Reuters headline: "Struggling" octuplets mom looks to God for help

She'd better because fertility doctors don't seem to be of much.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Non-issue for the rest

AP headline: On Darwin's 200th, a theory still in controversy

Well, really only if you're a former member of the Bush White House.

Recognition of tax payer money

We Have Seen the Present and It Does Not Work (continued):

Wells Fargo, who received $25 billion dollars in bailout from the U.S. Government, and who cancelled an employee outing last week after public outrage, took out a full page ad in the New York Times saying that by not having employee outings, that will really only hurt the troubled bank more because the employees at the troubled bank won't get recognition.

Source: Reuters

They didn't lose a thing

AZDailySun.com headline: Despite recession, saving for retirement crucial

Courier-Journal.com headline: Average worker lost 27% of 401(k) savings in '08

Clearly, the ones that were saving in their mattresses came ahead this year.

Value of "friendship"

ChicagoTribune.com: "The ruble has lost a fifth of its value since summer and now trades at about 36 rubles to the dollar..."

Reuters headline: Russia signals new optimism on ties with U.S.

Hmm...

Records

AP headline: Sri Lankan watches TV 72 hours to set world record

But how many Snuggies did he buy from the infomercials?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Google stalkers

Google announced a new service that allows you to constantly update a map of your location based on your cell-phone signal, for those of you who wondered how Google could possibly know everything without knowing where you are.

Source: NYTimes.com

Profitable question

CNN.com headline: With Daschle out, what's next for Obama's health agenda?

Who cares? Does anyone pay their taxes besides us?

Copy wronged

AP headline: AP alleges copyright infringement of Obama image

Is this a news story or a lawsuit with a headline?

Bush isn't there to stop him

CBSNews.com headline: Cheney Warns Of New Attacks

This is more than Cheney spoke during his time as vice president.

Don't shake hands with anyone

BusinessWeek.com headline: Clorox 2nd-quarter profit falls 7 percent

Apparently cleanliness is the first thing to go in a recession.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Buzz kill

USAToday.com headline: South Carolina criminal charges possible for Phelps

The DL is glad all of the murders and other crime in South Carolina have been solved, and we can finally focus on what matters: celebrities who may have taken drugs.

Socialism

NYTimes.com headline: US Plans to Curb Executive Pay for Bailout Recipients

The next thing you know, he'll want to them to pay back the money that wasted during the first bailout.

Straight

Bloomberg.com headline: Wells Fargo Cancels Mortgage Meeting in Las Vegas Amid Crisis

Are we afraid the executives are better at poker than they are at managing assets?

Watch the regulations

SFGate.com headline: Senate works over stimulus bill

Be careful, certain types of torture are illegal now.

Fun with headlines

WashingtonPost.com headline: Britney Spears sued by former "manager"

Other potential headline candidates that probably were rejected:

• Britney Spears sued by "former" manager

• Britney Spears "sued" by former manager

• Who cares?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Time to move

People in London found it difficult to travel anywhere after four inches of snow fell, for those of you who wish that all the multiples of four inches of snow you've had could have given you days off.

Source: IHT.com

Maybe they'd bend the rules

Reuters headline: GM, Chrysler offer workers cash, cars to leave

CHron headline: Ex-Detroit mayor will be freed from jail on Tuesday

Unfortunately, since the mayor isn't an autoworker, he's probably not eligible.

TV malfunction

NYDailyNews.com headline: Porn clip interrupts Super Bowl broadcast

Janet, move over, there's a new game in town.

Nuts

Kroger is recalling more peanut butter products produced at the Peanut Corporation of America's plant, which last week was found accused of knowingly selling products with salmonella, and why isn't anyone in jail yet?

Source: CNN.com

Oh well, indeed

With corrections like these who needs enemies:

NBC's transcript of Matt Lauer's interview with President Obama incorrectly said that Obama said Jessica Simpson, on the cover of Us Magazine, "[was] losing a weight battle apparently."

He was actually reading the cover and said: "Who is in a weight battle apparently. Yeah. Oh well."

Source: CSMonitor.com

Looking at shadows

NYTimes.com headline: Reclusive Staten Islander Bites Mayor

But were all of the Wu Tang Clan members accounted for during this time?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.