He'll be back

SFGate.com headline: Library of Congress adds 'Terminator' to archive

Obviously so that future generations will be able to see how we governed back in 1984.

Arresting business

WashingtonPost.com headline: GM Aims To Drive Sales With Incentives

CNN.com headline: Four executives on trial in China milk scandal

Are we giving the GM executives enough incentives?

300K reasons

MSNBC.com headline: Bristol Palin could earn $300,000 for baby pics

CBSNews.com headline: Virginity Pledges Don't Stop Teen Sex

Remember kids, not everyone gets $300,000.

Pull the plug

NYTimes.com headline: Fee Dispute Threatens Some Cable Shows

MTV.com headline: Bristol Palin’s Baby: Here’s What We Would Have Named Him!

Unfortunately, the fee dispute hasn't stopped MTV.

Happy New Year!

ChicagoTribune.com headline: Blagojevich snubs Senate, taps Burris for seat

Well, next year can only get better. Right? Right?

See you on the first Monday of next year.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Surrender now

InformationWeek.com headline: Microsoft Seeks Pay-As-You-Go Computing Patent

They should really just patent a way for Microsoft to tap into your bank account and get it over with.

Correction

AP headline: Oldest man in the US dies in Sacramento at 112

The former oldest man, that is.

Tripp-y

AP headline: Palin's daughter gives birth to son named Tripp

The DL knows what you're thinking, but that's not the oddest Palin name. There are so many to choose from: Trig, Willow, Piper, Bristol, and Track.

Bank on it

A bank robber in Chicago who used his pay stub to write a stick-up note didn't bother to take it with him when he left, if you thought you were having a bad day.

Source: AP

Shake it up

The DL Fair Warning System (continued): More than 250 earthquakes have occurred in Yellowstone National Park in Montana within the last three days.

Don't worry, everything is fine. Right? Right?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Pollution + Dolphins

AP headline: Can dolphins survive winter in NJ rivers?

Hold on, that seems to imply that anything at all can survive in New Jersey rivers.

Learning the same lessons again and again

CNNMoney.com: "Pickups and SUVs will outsell cars this month..."

Have we forgot that gas used to cost $4.85 a gallon already?

Liberators

AP headline: Mrs. Bush, Rice: Bush presidency not a failure

That all depends on what you definition of failure is.

Denied

AP headline: Uproar in Australia over plan to block Web sites

They might be on to something. Look how well it's worked out for China.

48 is enough

FOXNews.com headline: Cheney to Split Time Between Wyoming, Virginia

In these tough times, it's good to ask tough questions. Do we really need these two states?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Same thing happened last year

ABCNews.com headline: Weather Troubles Frustrate Residents, Travelers

ChicagoTribune.com headline: Obama hits the beach in Hawaii

Sorry, slow news day.

Tickets please

Reuters headline: Xmas mass only for church members

It's a good thing this isn't for Christmas mass or there would be an uproar.

Like a James Bond movie

AP headline: Mexican beauty queen arrested in gun-filled truck

That must have been some talent competition.

Sleep on it

Reuters headline: Skimping on sleep is bad for the heart: U.S. study

Good work, scientists!

We'll be back

The DL will see you Monday. Merry Christmas!

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Merry Christmas

WashingtonPost.com headline: Pakistani Jets Scramble as India Hardens Tone

Some parts of the world don't celebrate Christmas, so they aren't taking time off this week.

Not paying attention

NYTimes.com headline: Obama Is to Report Tuesday on Blagojevich Contacts

Nice, try, Obama. Trying to pull a Pakistan on us?

Could be a higher percentage

CNN.com headline: Poll: 23 percent say Cheney worst vice president ever

Is this only because we know 23 percent of what he's done?

Populating stories

CNN.com headline: Utah is fastest growing state

Star-Telegram.com headline: Census: Texas added more people than any other state

Who are we to believe?

Newsday.com headline: New York remains the third most populous state

Glad we got that cleared up.

Joke's on us

AP headline: Arabs lavish jewels on Secretary of State Rice

AP headline: Where'd the bailout money go? Shhhh, it's a secret

The DL will be making the punch lines around, here, AP.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Jetting off

AP headline: Wall Street Still Flying Corporate Jets

Hey, give them a break. Their companies don't have lots and lots of unsold cars.

Shoe bailout

Guardian.co.uk: An Istanbul-based shoe maker is being swamped with orders for its shoes after claiming its shoe was used to hit President Bush.

At least he can help part of the world economy.

High tide

AP headline: Obamas rent beach home in low-key Hawaii town

Or as low-key you can be in a $9 million single-story oceanfront Hawaiian home.

He'll be...there

DL Fair Warning (continued):

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'd be interested in becoming president if it were possible.

Source: LATimes.com

Christmas recessioning

WKTV.com headline: Police evacuate Wal-Mart in North Utica

Bloomberg.com headline: Japan Exports Plunge Record 27% as Recession Deepens

Just imagine what it's doing to Chinese exports.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Mini-democracy

AP headline: Impeachment drive slowed against Illinois governor

WashingtonPost.com: "At least 34 Iraqi security officials inside Iraq's Interior Ministry have been arrested, possibly in connection with corruption..."

They learn so quickly.

Suspicious

USAToday.com: "[A] congressional report said that there will probably be an attack somewhere in the world using a weapon of mass destruction within the next five years..."

Reuters headline: U.S. not ready for cyber attack

KYETV.com headline: More people have heart attacks around the holidays

Be vigilant.

That's a shame

Credit Suisse executives said that part of the bonuses for investment bankers will be paid by using some of the bank's troubled assets.

What's that? They are worthless?

Perfect sense

Reuters.com headline: GM denies holding new merger talks with Chrysler

Because putting two failing companies together will fix everything.

Watching the economy

NYTimes.com headline: Sales Growth of Flat-Panel TVs Is Expected to Slow

Now you know we're in trouble.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Congratulations?

AP headline: US official: Russians intend to test Obama on arms

Well, Joe Biden called that one.

Writing history

President Bush continued to highlight what his administration has accomplished during his presidency, such as a plan to destroy the Sears Tower that counterterrorism officials called aspirational.

Much like aspirations in Iraq, the DL supposes.

Source: WashingtonPost.com

Not first

CSMonitor.com headline: Obama wins TIME "Person of the Year" - Palin is a runner up

That's the second time that's happened.

Economize

AP headline: Want a retired space shuttle? They're up for grabs

It may get better gas milage than an SUV, so don't count it out.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Frosted reception

We have seen the present and it does not work:

A father in New Jersey who named his son Adolf Hitler Campbell because "no one else in the world would have that name" got upset because the supermarket would not print that name on a birthday cake.

Source: AP

To accept the bribe?

NYTimes.com headline: Blagojevich Impeachment Inquiry Stalls

Maybe the Illinois politicians were able to reach an "agreement."

Hold the jam

AP headline: Police: Armed burglars demand man's eggbeater

They left so fast after they got it, that they forgot to the toast.

Request denied

AP headline: Aussie court OKs using Facebook for serving lien

Visa would like to be your plaintiff. Would you like to accept?

All new episode

AP headline: Greek youths take over TV, radio stations

It has to be better than running Jay Leno 5 nights a week in primetime.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Deadly weapons

Former Secret Service agent after looking at tape of President Bush having shoe hurled at him: "I doubt any security force or any law enforcement could have reacted in time to stop the second shoe."

Remember when you travel this holiday season as the guy in front of you takes his shoes off. Don't let your eyes off him.

Source: LATimes.com

Christmas shoplifting

AP headline: Boy, 4, breaks into Texas store, plays with toys

They grow up so fast.

Welfare needed

Bloomberg.com: Bank of America to cut as many as 35,000 jobs over three years

Reuters.com headline: Bank of America cuts senior exec jobs: report

The executives are feeling the pinch, too. They are 0.10% of those layoffs.

New feature

AP headline: Yahoo revamps e-mail to become more social

Unlike the previous version, which let you compose the mail, but didn't let you hit send.

The Feds have spoken

AP headline: Feds seize artifacts from hit show 'Survivor'

No big deal, CBS was merely trying to import a type of cat that is known to carry SARS.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Real estate is ok, though

Reuters headline: U.S. property recovery to start by spring: Zell

LATimes.com headline: Tribune Co. files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection

Just don't ask him how to run a newspaper.

What's the difference?

Guardian.co.uk headline: Shoes and insults hurled at Bush on Iraq visit

Just like on his trips to the "blue" states.

Best as number two

CNN.com headline: McCain: I can't promise to support Palin for president

She would have made a great vice-president, though.

Change of pace

Obama is reportedly going to appoint a Nobel physics laureate, a former Environmental Protection Agency chief, and a former environmental lawyer to his environment and energy team.

Always choosing political hacks for the jobs. What? They are qualified?

Source: Reuters

Hanging up

AP headline: Estonia to vote by mobile phone in 2011

Now elections can be rigged without having the voters take the hassle of actually voting.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Children's children's gift

AP headline: Despite downturn, Calif. adopts tough climate plan

Exactly like our government: mortgage the future. What's that? They didn't mortgage our future for once? Oh.

Warm?

AP headline: Greenhouse gases warming North America unevenly

SeattlePI.com headline: Snow, freezing temperatures on the way

Guess which one Seattle got.

A gift before he leaves

In the news: Bush revises protections for endangered species

Well, that headline is a bit misleading. Bush actually reduced the input of federal scientists and prevented the law from being used to reduce global warming.

Source: AP

What about our 201ks?

NYTimes.com headline: Prominent Trader Accused of Defrauding Clients

All this and only ONE prominent trader is accused?

Can't be too careful

The AP reports that a man in Minnesota sprayed teens that toliet papered his house with fox urine.

Where does one obtain fox urine?

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

F****n golden

AP headline: Illinois governor ignores Obama's call to resign

He knew he was being watched by the Feds before he was arrested. Why would he do something sensible now?

On your own

CSMonitor.com headline: California running out of money

Don't get any ideas, California, you're not the auto industry.

Network on the DL

Bloomberg.com headline: Google’s Nishar Is Leaving Company to Join LinkedIn

Nishar has this all wrong. You join LinkedIn to search for a new job while you still have the other one.

Halfsies?

The Illinois Attorney General office retracted the statement that said Bank of America agreed to provide a loan to the factory in Chicago where the workers were striking.

The bank must still be hung up on the fact that 40% of the factory is owned by JPMorgan Chase, a story reported yesterday, but not retracted.

Source: Bloomberg.com

And is now all gone

NYTimes.com headline: House Questions Spending of Bailout Money

Well that only took two months. Give it another two months and they'll figure out it was wasted.

The Garbage State

Reuters.com headline: Panel says New Jersey should allow gay marriage

There's nothing like a honeymoon in scenic New Jersey.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

But is it a day off from work?

Understating the facts (continued): After Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested for attempting to basically sell President-Elect Obama's seat U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald declared Tuesday a "sad day for government."

Source: CNN.com

Watch those news cycles

ChicagoTribune.com headline (yesterday): Activists support workers in Chicago plant sit-in

FOXNews.com headline (yesterday): Meeting to End Chicago Sit-In Ends Without Resolution

Bloomberg.com headline: Bank of America Offers Loans to Republic Windows to Pay Workers

Suntimes.com headline: BLAGOJEVICH LED AWAY IN CUFFS

Oops. Had the bank waited, the news cycle would be over and this would be lost.

Bloomberg.com headline: JPMorgan Owns 40% of Shut-Down Chicago Factory, Site of Protest

Well, at least it worked out for someone.

Back door

CNNMoney.com headline: Auto bailout bill not yet a done deal

Well, they'd better hurry if they want to sneak this one in.

Contrast

Reuters.com headline: Obama says climate change a matter of national security

Now there's a man that knows how to change the subject.

Joe the who?

Politico.com headline: Joe the Plumber: McCain 'appalled me'

The DL is sorry, there's no time for you today.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Barking bailout

AP headline: Studies show dogs have sense of fairness

WSJ.com headline: US Could Take Stakes in Big 3

What would the dogs say?

Not a fake story

ChicagoTribune.com headline: Tribune Company files for bankruptcy protection

The DL guesses that they would know best.

A second too soon

An extra second will be added on to 2008, on December 31 after 6:59:59 p.m. and before 7:00:00 p.m. making 2008 the longest year since 1992.

Source: AP

Size up the answer

AFP headline: 21 new species in danger of extinction: UN convention

LiveScience.com headline: Ancient Flying Reptile Bigger Than a Car

Extinction isn't all bad, then.

E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Or knows a judge

AP headline: Head of prominent NYC law firm accused of fraud

Hope he has a good lawyer.

Both a good idea and bad

ChicagoTribune.com headline: Rice regrets bad WMD intelligence on Iraq, says decision to go to war will prove beneficial

Is Ms. Rice saying that even though it was wrong to invade that it was still a good idea to do so?

Internet Transmitted Disease

InformationWeek.com headline: Facebook Worm Comes From Infected Friends

There you have it: Another way the Internet world has become like the real world.

Banned

AP headline: Obama pledges not to smoke in White House

That's right, he's going to have to go outside for his smoke break like everyone else.

Obamaload

ChicagoBreakingNews.com wants you to know that on Sunday at 9 a.m. local time, President-Elect Obama left home for his morning workout, although the DL isn't quite sure why you would want to know that.

Pushers

AP headline: Scientists back brain drugs for healthy people

Would they be mind-control drugs? Nice try, scientists.


E-mail the DL at dl(at)interactivespace.com.

Contagious

NYTimes.com headline: Strangers May Cheer You Up, Study Says

BusinessWeek.com headline: Auto Chiefs Appeal to Senate

Yeah those auto chiefs are always good for a laugh.

Healthy recession

Reuters headline: Many Americans miss exercise goals

Reuters headline: Football fans eat fewer wings in slow economy

Listen, scientists, you don't have to exercise as much if you don't eat as many chicken wings.

Divine security services

Kentucky passed a law in 2006 that formally said security in Kentucky "cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God."

These are tough budget times.

Source: ChicagoTribune.com

Oops

A Republican congresswoman hung up on Barack Obama twice after thinking it was a prank call from a radio station, for those of you who thought you were having a bad day.

Source: AFP

Or McDonald's

The cost of attending college rose three times faster than the cost of living and that could put it out of reach for most Americans, according to a new study.

It'll be fine. As soon as we bail out the auto industry we can all go back to our secure assembly line jobs.

Source: CNN.com

Cut through childhood

A boy in Miami took a knife to school and robbed a classmate of $1 faces expulsion and possible armed robbery charges.

They grow up so fast.

Source: NYTimes.com

How much for an A?

You can't make this up (continued): A teacher in a suburban San Diego school has resorted to selling ads on quizzes and tests in order to pay for the cost of copying the quizzes and tests.

Source: CNN.com

42 cents worth

Reuters headline: Record number of Americans using food stamps: report

Best to get the "Forever" food stamps, at this rate.

Cry us a hybrid

AP headline: UAW grants concessions, exec warns of depression

You'd be sad, too, if you just ran your company into the ground.

How quaint

BBCNews.com headline: US gives Mexico anti-drug funding

The War on Drugs is still going on?

Thrifty?

In the news: A GM spokesperson told Reuters that instead of taking a private plane to Washington to ask for bailout money, the GM CEO took a 2009 Chevrolet Malibu hybrid. Reuters estimated gas costs at $70.

Just add the invoice price of $24,149 for that car, which he probably will never drive again, and you've got yourself one cheap trip.

Source: Yahoo! Autos

Cheaper by the day

FOXNews.com headline: Who Can Stop the Pirates?

Pirates, did you sell your oil tanker back yet?

Determined to bankrupt

BBCNews.com headline: US 'warned India' about Mumbai

AP: "[The Bush Administration] ignored remarkably prescient warnings that foretold the financial meltdown, according to an Associated Press review of regulatory documents."

Hmm...

Everyone's a winner

Highest rated show last week: "Dancing With the Stars," ABC, 21.1 million viewers.

Second highest rated show last week: "Dancing With the Stars Results," ABC, 20.65 million viewers.

Did some viewers decide they didn't like the dancing or the stars?

Source: AP

No strings attached

NYTimes.com headline: Forget Citigroup, Puppet Show Needs a Bailout

Hey, we've tried everything else.

It's heavy

MSNBC.com headline: 747 to carry space shuttle back to Florida

You're going to need more people than that.

Well, maybe 5 shares of Citigroup

AP headline: Bush sorry economic crisis has cut jobs, 401ks

Sorrys don't buy anything, mister.

Congratulations

AP headline: Bush uses final 50 days in office to tout legacy

AP headline: Dow plunges on news recession began in Dec. 2007

AP headline: JPMorgan cutting 9,200 jobs at Washington Mutual

Quite a legacy.

Cyber fraud

USAToday.com headline: Cyber Monday draws millions online for holiday shopping

Retailers invented the term "Cyber Monday" as a marketing scheme, by the way.

Source: Snopes.com

Drive next time

CBS2.com headline: Boy, 14, Dies After Van Hits Kids At Bus Stop

NYTimes.com headline: Rider Fatally Stabs City Bus Driver and Flees

Bad day to take the bus.

"Free" market

Bloomberg.com headline: Paulson Says Treasury Efforts Needed to ‘Preserve’ Free Markets

That makes about as much sense as bailing out the automakers.

Christmas cheer

Wired.com headline: Tonight: Planets Align in a Frown

Cheer up, planets. Only 24 days until Christmas.